Choose a Girl

It takes women far longer to get aroused than men, and that’s why they don’t orgasm as quickly as men do. Unless you’re dating a psychic, you’re partner can’t read your mind. When you vocalize what feels good, what needs some work, or that your clitoris is just a little bit higher, and you’d really love it if your partner could focus all their energy there, then you both benefit.

Understanding His Arousal Triggers

• By electrifying our most powerful sex organs, our brains, research has shown that provocative conversation has the ability to add serious sizzle to our sex lives.
• At this stage, you’re moving from the soft, lovey-dovey expressions at Level 2, to more rough, explicit language.
• That doesn’t mean you have to go full-on David Attenborough–style nature documentary (that said, if roleplay is your thing …).
• Remember that truly intimate and satisfying sex is never a performance.
• Once you have the initial conversation about incorporating dirty talk into your relationship and try it, it’s best to review afterwards how it made you feel and whether it’s something you would do again.
• When we’re actively having sex, Dr. Jansen says, “our minds tend to choose a path of least resistance” and fall back on the phrases we’ve been repeating for years as the quickest way to reach orgasm during sex.

Therefore, it’s super beneficial to carve out some non-sexual time to engage in an open conversation about boundaries, desires, and limits. To that end, feel free to experiment, but don’t adopt dirty talk phrases that are so far from the norm of how you sound or speak that you feel strange delivering them. And if you’re having partnered sex, don’t use words or phrases that feel unnatural to you just because you think it’s what your partner will like.

« I can’t wait until we’re both alone so that I can blow your mind. »

Dirty talk might feel awkward, especially at first, but you’ll find your rhythm with time and practice. Mastering how to talk dirty is all about consent and creativity. These tips will help you speak your mind in person and over text. Cordingley suggests just practicing some racy words or phrases out loud when you’re alone so you can get more comfortable hearing yourself say them. Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a queer sex educator and wellness journalist who is committed to helping people feel the best they can in their bodies. In addition to Healthline, her work has appeared in publications such as Shape, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Health, Self, Women’s Health, Greatist, and more!

Initiating an Erotic Talk with Your Partner

“You can progress to role-playing in stages that march in key with your comfort and familiarity with your partner and the progressive level of each partner’s arousal,” says Love. It’s also a good idea to cover who wants to start, how to signal when you’re ready to be done, and any words or phrases that are off-limits. “Many people find dirty talk off-putting or embarrassing because they derive their definitions and expectations from porn,” she says. Ultimately, getting in sync with what your partner likes and dislikes and any fetishes or kinks you each have is important for any intimate act, dirty talk included.

I find that I really do have a better time when it’s involved. It is often referred to as a kink or fetish, meaning that for a lot of people (like myself) sound is an important part of their sexual experience. Could this explain why I like using blindfolds in bed so I can rely exclusively on my ears to carry me through to nirvana?

Remember, these are just guidelines to tailor to your and your partner’s likes, kinks, and fetishes. Learning how to talk dirty to a woman or someone with a vagina is no different than learning how to talk dirty to a man or someone with a penis, so see what feels most natural and exciting and go from there. In Chapter 2, we discussed how it’s NOT the actual dirty talking phrases you use that are most important, but HOW YOU SAY THEM. Once you master the proper voice tone, inflections and body language, you will feel like you are a superhero with the ability to turn your man on and make him act like a horny teenager without much effort at all. If that’s the case, he suggests, you could “bring up dirty talk before or after a sexual encounter, so that a sense of arousal is still felt” by your partner.

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